Grace
Ahh, Grace, ….it can be one of the hardest things for me to receive, or to be honest, give, at times. This time it was receiving that was my struggle.
I honestly felt deep in my gut that I had wrecked Christmas. I was so caught up in the business of my life, and then in the desire to “make” Christmas special for my family. I just about destroyed the beauty of the season!
Or so I thought…..
I had asked forgiveness of almost everyone I could think of… grieved over the damage I had done. I had listened to the Lord, or rather cried extensively at the Lord about my failings through the Christmas season. I know prayer is supposed to be a conversation between us and the Lord , mine resembled a toddler wailing that their favorite toy was broken. I then immaturely, did the equivalent of sticking my spiritual fingers in my ears in order to block out His forgiveness.
I mean, how could I receive His forgiveness when I so obviously had blown something I could not fix, Christmas was over right?
This is when a beautiful woman, the last on my list to grovel in front of, gave me a beautiful gift. Grace and forgiveness.
To be honest, I had not committed my biggest sin toward her, I’ve done worse believe me. But her kindness and love,… grace really…, melted my heart enough, just enough.. to let God in. It literally felt like a physical burn in my chest like ripping a band aid off a wound that has begun to fester. It needed to be exposed, to let the fresh air and medicine in. It was then that the Lord reminded me of something he had shown me a while ago that I had forgotten.
I have been brought like a “good Christian girl” to know that God loved me so much that he sent his Son to die for me, a gift in order to pay for my sins, a gift I do not deserve. I got that ,… in my head at least. To be honest I had kind of tuned out when others would talk about the precious gift of God’s Son dying on the cross. Blah blah blah was my emotional reaction. I knew God had done this for me, I believed it and loved Him for it, but in reality I “knew” I didn’t deserve it. So I knew this gift wouldn’t work for me.
I was believing a lie.
A lie so firmly entrenched in my heart that it was not even challenged. I mean people would tell me that Christ’s forgiveness would set me free and that it would work for everyone. I just knew it wouldn’t work for me, because I wouldn’t receive it.
How can you benefit from a gift until you receive it?
You can’t.
The Lord showed me that he knew I didn’t deserve it. That wasn’t what it was about. He knew I needed it, and He loved too much, …..way too much… not to help me back to Himself. He couldn’t let me drown in my sin, it hurt Him too much to just stand by and watch, I do NOT have a passive heavenly Father!
So He spent an enormous price, the most expensive, costly, difficult price a loving father could spend. He sent His only first born Son to die for me.
How can someone say “no” to a gift that has cost the giver the most important thing they have? It isn’t as if God can take it back if we refuse it. There is no return policy on this gift. God’s gift to us is a “ Finale Sale”. It is done, purchased, finished. It would be like saying to God that He wasted His Son’s death because we won’t receive it.
To label a gift given with such sacrifice and love as not good enough to cover our sins is to raise ourselves higher than Jesus himself . Do we really think that our sin is bigger than the Jesus’ death? If I had to compare the sins of one human against the creator of the universe’s Son’s death. The greater power is in the Son’s death.
He has convinced me,…. “I am His and He is mine, and His banner over me is love”
